Friday, May 18, 2012

I see balance as I swing by (11-12-09)

My three year old has the swine flu. I like to be dramatic, so I prefer the word swine to the title H1N1 (much too harmless sounding). Temperature yesterday at the doctor’s office was 105 degrees!!!!! How can the pediatrician stay so calm??

I guess because they know more than I do about pigs and the flues they cause and are more knowledgeable about when to panic. So, no nerves here, just calm brow soothing and lots of medicine (but not toooo much). I guess all of growing up can be summed up in one boring word: balance. I wish there were a way to say it better. My bipolar self is totally attracted to extremes; I like to have amazing, deep conversations, not just good talks. I like to either shlump around in something drab and comfy OR wear an incredibly hip quirky outfit. I don’t ever aim for looking just “nice.” I either try ridiculously hard or I make no effort at all. The phrase “good enough” makes me feel a little nauseous.

So there has to be a better way to describe balance. It took me about 15 years of schooling to discover the freedom a perfectly respectable B or C can bring. It took (is taking) 13 years of counseling to believe that an 8 or 10 is actually a healthy size for me, instead of the size 4 jeans that are sitting in my drawer unused. I’ve pushed myself so hard in my spiritual life, always swaying between huge guilt over my various degrees of sinfulness, and crazy pride about my goody-two-shoes-I’ve-read-the-bible-through-several-times-and have a degree in religion- piousness. I think you get the picture.

I am beginning to get this vision of what a truly balanced life looks like. It’s still cloudy and confusing, but I think it’s worth all the emotional work and confusion it will take to finally see clearly. I want to sleep 8-10 hours a day. I want to eat three relatively healthy meals. I want to write some music every day. I want to praise my husband every time he does something right, and not fly off the handle when I feel neglected. I want to cherish every singly good, cuddly, giggly, unexpected moment I have with my daughter and calmly discipline the things that she does to make her own life harder. I want to be totally supportive and selfless with my friends, and freely accept all the awsomeness they have to give in return. I want to Love God Desperately, and freely do whatever he asks, whenever he asks, no matter how hard or dumb or painful it seems.

Sounds good, huh? With all this utopia-esque dreaming I have one more thing to add to my ideal Laura; she would be gentle with herself when she inevitably messes up in all of these areas.
Why am I so mean to me??? BALANCE. I’m afraid if I’m not really hard on myself I won’t grow, and I’m afraid that if I am too nice to Laura, she will remain this small selfish needy person forever and ever amen. The only Being I’ve ever met who knew exactly how to deal with me in every moment is God. UtopiaLaura will only exist if he makes me into her. There Is No Other Way.

Lucky for me….lucky for us He is totally powerful and absolutely willing to transform us until we look like Him.



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