My three year old has the swine flu. I like to be dramatic, so I prefer the word swine to the title H1N1 (much too harmless sounding). Temperature yesterday at the doctor’s office was 105 degrees!!!!! How can the pediatrician stay so calm??
I guess because they know more than I do about pigs and
the flues they cause and are more knowledgeable about when to panic.
So, no nerves here, just calm brow soothing and lots of medicine (but
not toooo much). I guess all of growing up can be summed up in one
boring word: balance. I wish there were a way to say it better. My
bipolar self is totally attracted to extremes; I like to have amazing,
deep conversations, not just good talks. I like to either shlump around
in something drab and comfy OR wear an incredibly hip quirky outfit. I
don’t ever aim for looking just “nice.” I either try ridiculously hard
or I make no effort at all. The phrase “good enough” makes me feel a
So there has to be a better way to describe balance. It
took me about 15 years of schooling to discover the freedom a perfectly
respectable B or C can bring. It took (is taking) 13 years of
counseling to believe that an 8 or 10 is actually a healthy size for me,
instead of the size 4 jeans that are sitting in my drawer unused. I’ve
pushed myself so hard in my spiritual life, always swaying between huge
guilt over my various degrees of sinfulness, and crazy pride about my
goody-two-shoes-I’ve-read-the-bible-through-several-times-and have a
degree in religion- piousness. I think you get the picture.
I am beginning to get this vision of what a truly balanced
life looks like. It’s still cloudy and confusing, but I think it’s
worth all the emotional work and confusion it will take to finally see
clearly. I want to sleep 8-10 hours a day. I want to eat three
relatively healthy meals. I want to write some music every day. I want
to praise my husband every time he does something right, and not fly
off the handle when I feel neglected. I want to cherish every singly
good, cuddly, giggly, unexpected moment I have with my daughter and
calmly discipline the things that she does to make her own life harder.
I want to be totally supportive and selfless with my friends, and
freely accept all the awsomeness they have to give in return. I want to
Love God Desperately, and freely do whatever he asks, whenever he asks,
no matter how hard or dumb or painful it seems.
Sounds good, huh? With all this utopia-esque dreaming I
have one more thing to add to my ideal Laura; she would be gentle with
herself when she inevitably messes up in all of these areas.
Why am I so mean to me??? BALANCE. I’m afraid if I’m
not really hard on myself I won’t grow, and I’m afraid that if I am too
nice to Laura, she will remain this small selfish needy person forever
and ever amen. The only Being I’ve ever met who knew exactly how to
deal with me in every moment is God. UtopiaLaura will only exist if he
makes me into her. There Is No Other Way.
Lucky for me….lucky for us He is totally powerful and
absolutely willing to transform us until we look like Him.